Perfection
by moxie sauce
Summary: Julie strives for perfection. There's only one thing in her way. How far will she go to get what she wants?
1. Breathless

Chapter 1-

Julie's POV-

I stumbled into my room, I was clutching my sides. He asked me out. _He_ asked me out! I glanced at myself in the mirror. My cheeks were tinged pink.

"Ben Tennyson asked me out." I tried the way the words sounded out loud. I smiled to myself. He said he would pick me up _tonight_. I took a deep breath. I didn't need to get worked up about this. It was fine. But the blood wouldn't stop rushing around my head. "Stop it." I hissed to no one in particular. But

I could still feel my heartbeat. I put a hand over my chest, as if I could slow my heart by pure _will_. I pinched the skin of my arm, near to my wrist, as hard as I could. I felt the familiar pain but my brain hardly registered it. Pinching no longer hurt as much as it should have. I rolled up the sleeve of my pink

sweatshirt. The smooth, pale skin there was littered with scars. I took in a deep breath. I remembered where I had gotten every single one of those scars. I sat down heavily on the side of my bed, the springs creaked noisily. I stroked the familiar worn cloth of my duvet. I had had the bed, mattress, sheets,

pillows, _everything_ since I was old enough to sleep in a proper bed and not a crib. It wasn't that my parents were poor and _couldn't _buy me a new bed or in the least new sheets. It was that I _wouldn't_ let them. You could say I was a miser. You could say I was a lot of things. I remembered what one of my

best friends in seventh grade said I was.

Perfect.

That's why she started hating me. Because I was everything she wasn't apparently. My other friends stuck by me. Comforting, assuring me she didn't mean it. But I didn't need comforting. When my friend had thrown away the gift of friendship I had offered her she had given me another gift. The knowledge

that I was _perfect_.

I had always strived for perfection. I had managed to tame my mind, tame my body. My imagination never played tricks on me like some say their's did. My body obeyed me. Like in tennis when I saw the ball I told my arm to hit it, the shot would always connect. I was sweet to everyone. I was kind. I was

pretty as so many people had told me. I was _perfect_.

But there was one person who had the ability to make me throw my control down the drain.

Ben Tennyson.

I noticed it the first day of ninth grade. I saw him walking through the doors after the summer vacation. When my eyes hit him that was it for my control. My cheeks grew pink, my heart tried to thump right out of my chest.

Sally, a friend of mine, noticed and nudged me.

"Hey Jujube, what's up?" She followed the direction of my gaze. Her eyes landed to rest on Ben.

Her eyes widened with understanding. Then her mouth stretched into a huge grin.

"You've got the hots for Ben Tennyson!" She chortled.

"What? No I don't!" I snapped. I felt the blood rushing to my face.

"You do! You soooooooooooo do!" She screeched with laughter.

I saw people beginning to stare. I saw Ben turn and look questioningly at us.

"Ok, maybe I do." I hissed in her ear, "But don't do anything stupid and PLEASE clam down!"

She stood to attention and saluted me, "Roger that!"

She wouldn't stop teasing me after that. I smiled, it may have been annoying but it still was nice that someone knew.

I violently shook my head to clear it.

No, I thought fiercely. It wasn't good that someone knew one of my weaknesses.

I sighed. Sally never told anyone. For that I was grateful. But Sally was still one person...

Then I heard my mother call me. I also heard muffled whispers. I felt my face turn red.

"I've got to get downstairs and stop my mom from asking Ben any stupid questions." I told myself.

I grabbed my purse and phone and ran downstairs.

"Ah, here she is." My mom said.

"Hi Julie, ready to go?" Asked Ben.

"You bet!" I said.

"Have fun, honey!" I heard my mom call.

I walked down the path, trying to ignore the fact that the only thing between me and perfection was walking beside me.

"This is really going to be _fun_." I though to myself.


	2. Scissors

Chapter 2-

Julie POV-

We finally reached the pier. Ben friend Kevin is quite rude. Or he was just humiliating Ben. I'd go for the latter.

We stepped out of the car. Ben smiled at me and I felt myself melt.

"Keep it together." I thought to myself. I pinched the back of my hand just to prove that I was still in control.

We wandered around for a while, just chatting about random stuff. I smiled to myself. He was so nice! I tried to refrain from having a girly squee moment as soon as he said he needed to go to the bathroom. But that didn't stop me from whipping out my phone and texting Sally.

the pier.

So swt!

g2g

txt back!

Xxx

It took three seconds for Sally to reply:

OMG!

KOL?

Cm l8ter.

Xxxxx

I smiled. I knew I was lucky to have such sweet friends but I could help but noticing Sally's flaws all the time. She wasn't perfect. I winced involuntarily. I hated to put down my friends.

Ben came back and handed me a cotton candy. I smiled shyly and we resumed out conversation.

Then I heard a sudden beeping noise. It was harsh and seemed to pierce my brain. I covered the ears with my hands in a vain attempt to block it out.

"What _is_ that noise?" I asked.

"Oh that?" Ben said nervously. "I have no idea."

I could sense tones of worry, embarrassment and nervousness in his voice. I also noted that the noise was coming from his direction.

I frowned inwardly, what was he hiding?

"Um, I have to... go to the bathroom!" He said and dashed off.

I also noticed that with him the noise disappeared.

"What is he hiding?" I asked myself.

Instead of just standing there I followed him. He entered the toilet cubicle. Then I saw a flash of green light.

"What are you doing in there?" I muttered to myself.

Ben emerged a moment later. Only it wasn't Ben. It was some strange alien monster creature.

I stifled a gasp. Ben was a monster?

This was so cliché!

I grinned to myself. It was perfect!

I ran back to the spot where Ben had left me. From there I could see the scene perfectly, a fight issued between Ben (who wasn't really Ben) and some the fairground rides which seemed to have come alive.

I decided. I would let Ben tell me about his "secret" when he was ready. That was the way it always went.

Then another part of my brain came alive and started arguing.

"Why are you letting your life be ruled by a book?" It screamed at me. "Do what you want!"

I racked my fingernails down my arm. Was I going to let myself be screamed at by my own mind?

When I first did that it felt as though someone had lit a trail of fire down my arm, now I couldn't even feel it.

I decided as soon as I got home I would hunt for a pair of scissors and see if my body would obey me then.

"No wait!" I stopped myself in my tracks with a new though.

I have never used scissors, always my nails. And the occasional sharp edge of something like a book. I had to keep my habits under wraps. No one could know. They might think of me in a different light if they knew. They might think it wasn't _perfect_. But I knew, it wasn't self harming as so many had

branded it. It was the only way to keep your body under check.

"But your body isn't staying under check." Another sadistic side of my brain told me, "You want to be perfect. The only way is too up your game."

I gulped. I knew the voice was right.

And that was when I was snatched into the air by a fairground game come to life.

I almost didn't notice.


	3. Scratch that

Chapter 3-

Julie's POV-

"No, just different." I said to him.

He smiled and once again I felt as though my heart was going to melt. I smiled back and it was kind of lopsided. My feet hurt like hell. I stopped and he did the same.

I took off my shoe to shake out a few stray pebbles.

I knew I was going to be in big trouble once I got home. I had managed to stay out the entire night. That's a new record.

We made it home in the end.

"See you soon." I called to Ben as he walked down the garden path. He turned and waved then continued walking.

I took a deep breath and let myself into the house. The living room was dark. Good. I tiptoed past the coach and was just heading up the stairs when...

"And where have you been young lady." I heard my mother's voice demand. I turned around and she was there flicking on the light switch. I blinked in the sudden brightness.

"Um, well I-" I tried to explain but was cut off.

"I don't want to hear it," She then took a deep breath. "At least tell me you used protection."

I blinked, not comprehending, "What?"

She looked me square in the eye, "Honey, I love and will stand by you no matter what, but to get pregnant at fifteen..."

I cut her off, "No, mom you got it all wrong. We didn't have sex. We just lost track of time, that's all."

My mom let out a deep breath, "I'll believe you Julie," She said to me, surprisingly, "You've never given me any reason not to."

She then smiled warmly at me and pulled me into a tight hug. "So how did it go?" She whispered in my ear, "Was he nice?"

I grinned, "He was _amazing_, he is so kind, and sweet, and patient and..." I saw my mom watching me.

"You really like him don't you." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes," I replied simply.

She smiled at me again, "I'm happy for you."

"Thanks mom." I said.

I quickly turned and hurried up the stairs.

"Go get some sleep sweetie." I heard my mom call after me.

It was Saturday so I had a whole day for homework and to work on my control.

"Sure." I yelled after me.

Once I was in my room I flopped down in front of my laptop. I quickly went to check my mail.

I laughed out loud.

FIFTY emails from Sally. She must be desperate for info.

I checked to see if she was online. I was in luck.

I grinned and quickly IM-ed her.

Jujube: Hey Sal

Scatterbrain33: JULIE!

TELL ME EVERYTHING!

When did u get back?

Jujube: Just now

Scatterbrain33: OMG! Did you guys, um DO anything?

I sighed, Sally was already on my case.

Jujube: No sal, there was no whoopee.

Scatterbrain33: Well that's a relief. I'm not ready to become an aunt.

I smirked, that was the lamest excuse of all time.

Jujube: Or rather you wouldn't want me to start my sex life b4 u?

There was a pause, then her answer flashed up on the screen.

Scatterbrain33: Yeah, that 2.

Call me!

I sighed no way I was getting out of calling my gossip hungry friend, even if it was six in the morning.

I picked up my mobile, I had her on speed dial it was always easy to call. I pressed 3, 1 being my mom and 2 being my dad.

She picked up after the first ring.

"JUJUBE!" She screeched, I held the phone away from my ear, "TELL ME EVERYTHING!"

So I went through every last detail, except for the bit when Ben was an alien. That was his story to tell.

"He sounds so sweet. Plus he's gotten really hot." She practically drooled. "Hey Jujube, if you guys like split can I go for him." I was about to yell at her when she rightly added, "After the appropriate six months reserved for mourning. Three if you dump him." I thought about it.

"Fine." I said grudgingly. "But you better not do any sabotage."

"Scout's honor." She said. She sounded serious.

"Gotta go and sleep." I told her.

"Fine." She said sounding deflated, "Call me when you wake up."

"Sure." I said then I hung up.

My body was suddenly overcome with fatigue. I felt irritated with myself. Why was I tired? It was just one night. I pinched my arm. The pain didn't register in my overworked brain. I felt my throat go tight. There was only one way. I reached for the scissors and in one swift movement, cut my arm. I saw the blood rush to fill the cut, but when I touched it my finger came back dry. The blood was just _there, _there slightly below the surface. Luminous, but not spilling out. I smiled, it hurt but the pain felt oddly good. It meant I was back. I would be perfect.

Scratch that.

I _was_ perfection.


	4. Change

Chapter 4-

Julie's POV-

I woke up with a start. My pillow soaked with sweat, my duvet on the floor, my head was hanging off the side of the bed. As soon as my eye's opened I fell off the side of the bed. I checked my watch. One o'clock. I automatically felt guilty. I had slept all this time when I could have been studying or practicing my forehand or- or doing _something_. I reached for the scissors on my table. I swiftly used the blade to cut across my forearm. As it did before I fell asleep the blood rushed to fill the slit but didn't spill out.

"That's for sleeping." I hissed. Then I stopped. I was punishing myself for _sleeping_. My hands shook. What was I doing? I had been pinching myself until my skin broke since I was twelve. I had used my school textbooks to scratched myself since I was fourteen. I was no stranger to pain, I had never questioned my decisions even once. But now? What was I doing? How could I be perfect if my mind was so twisted I cut myself to try to control my body. I swallowed thickly. Oddly I felt close to tears. What had I been doing to myself all these years. I looked down at my arms, three years worth of scars greeted me. This time the tear really did spill. They fell down m face and dripped onto my arms. But unlike in fairy stories my wounds didn't heal. My heart didn't stitch itself back up. I would normally have punished myself for crying because it showed weakness. It showed flaws in my perfect armor, but this time I didn't reach for the scissors, my nails never found my flesh, my books lay untouched on my desk. There was no blood, no pain, no punishment. I wiped my eyes on my already wet pillow.

I hauled myself up, I was slightly unsteady on my feet at first but I was soon okay. I dropped down in front of my laptop. I brought up google. I took a deep breath and typed in the search bar:

How to stop self-harming.

It brought up loads of pages, I scrolled down, clicked on a few links, read some of the reports. But it was all the same. Try to understand what triggers the impulse to self-harm. Once you know you can stop just before you do anything. I leaned back I my chair. I don't _know_ what causes the impulse. I just do it. This was useless. So I decided to start on some homework.

An hour later and all my homework was done. I sighed, time to go play tennis. I _liked _playing tennis. It gave me a good feeling inside. I changed into my tennis gear. Then I realized, oh no, the new cuts! They were prominent on my arms. What would my parents think? I grabbed a sweatshirt and pulled it on. I would ditch it as soon as I got to the courts.

I hurried downstairs, "I'm going to play tennis!" I called in the rough

"Ok honey, have fun!" I heard my mom call.

My dad was still on business trip so he wasn't there. But I didn't mind.

I walked out the door and had just reached the courts when my phone range. I picked it up and flicked it open, "Hello?"

"Oh, hi Julie. I hope I didn't wake you." The voice on the other end said.

I felt my face burst into flames, my heart did a bellyflop into my shoes. Just these simple signals showed me who it was.

"Oh, no. I'm at the tennis court. I woke up a while ago." I gabbled.

"Oh good. Hey how bad did you get it?" asked Ben.

"What?" I asked. My brain was too jumbled to form a single coherent thought. Let alone process what he was saying.

"Your parents. Were they mad?" He clarified.

"Oh, um, well my Dad's on business trip so he wasn't there but my mom was really cool about it. Didn't even get a warning." I answered.

"Lucky," He said enviously, "My parents took away my cell phone. I'm using the home phone to call now and even then they're standing on either side on me watching my every move." I could hear him talk to his parents on the other end of the line.

"Geez guys, personal space." He said loudly.

I giggled, he was so funny!

"Anyway, I was hoping you would like to go see a movie tomorrow." He sad.

Fireworks went off around me.

"Sure." I said quickly.

"Great, I'll pick you up at six." He said.

"Ok, sure." I responded.

"Great, see you then."

"See you!" I said before hanging up.

I sat down against the hard mesh wiring of the tennis courts.

"Wow." I whispered.

I took a deep breath.

I'm going to have a new start.

I'm going to change.


	5. Scars

Chapter 5-

Julie's POV-

It's been three weeks's since that second date with Ben. We're now officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Sally's face was priceless. God, I miss her. She moved away, I guess everybody moves on. When she told be I broke down into tears because after everything we had been through together. In the middle of

seventh grade when I started to become anorexic, instead of telling on me, or yelling at me, or lecturing me of the dangers or eating disorders. She stood by me, she was always there. I told her everything I felt when I was at the brink of falling into the pit. It was like I was walking on the borderline of safety

and the disorder. Whenever I got caught off balance she always grabbed my hand to help me find my balance again. In eighth grade when I felt alone because my family was breaking apart she sat with me while I just cried. And she never asked for anything back. I tried to give back anyway, I tried to help as

much as I could, wherever, whenever. But now she's leaving, I have other friends but Sally was special. A diamond in the rough. Always there.

When she told me she was moving the Kenya. When she first told me I said the first non-depressing thing that came into my head:

I eyes were watering, "If you wanted to get away from me you should have just said," I teased half-heartedly. "I mean, seriously, Kenya?"

She had grinned, "Jujube, sometimes I always thought I was mean't to wear that cool ethnic headgear."

I had stifled a sob and tried to turn it into an act, but I bet she saw right through it, "What am I going to do without someone grilling me on a daily bases about my nonexistent sex life?" I lamented.

She shrugged, "I'm not sure, how about try _getting_ a sex life for me to grill you about over email and phone?"

I grinned, tears running down my face, "Done!"

We had hugged and she puled back to look me in the eye, "Don't get too frisky," She warned me, "Like I said, I don' think I'm _quite _ready to accept the responsibility of becoming an aunt."

I had been bawling too loudly to answer. But she understood.

When we parted I told her: "Sweetie, you better find a sex life because I'm _so_ ready to become an aunt. Plus you better let me pick a name!"

"Jujube, name wise you can choose the name if you want to but in exchange you're doing the diapers!"

I considered, "I think I'll just stop you from calling something weird."

"That's the spirit! Remember, SEX LIFE!" She called out the window as she drove away.

"CALL ME!" I yelled as I made the "call me" gesture with my hand.

She screamed, "EMAIL ME!" In return.

I burst into a mixture of tears and laughter.

God, I was going to miss her.

I trudged home and before I could stop myself I had used the scissors to slice three consecutive lines on my left arm. I managed to toss the scissors away before I did anymore damage. Just then I burst into tears. Three weeks of control. But now. This time the cuts were actually bleeding. Some twisted part

of my brain decided that I couldn't leave the other arm looking so bare. That night I wasn't proud of myself. I left blood on my sheets that I told my mom were from my period which came early. My scissors were covered in blood which I couldn't wash off. So I hid them under my bed and bought a new pair.

My arm were covered in scars. Bigger ones, deeper ones which didn't heal as easily. I wanted to stop. But I couldn't, who could? Maybe I just wasn't strong enough to save myself. Not like Ben, Ben saved people everyday. I couldn't even save myself. Maybe my outsides just showed my insides. My heart was

covered in scars too. No one had ever noticed when I was dying. When I turned ten for no reason I fell into depression. But nobody noticed, no one realized I was dying. I was falling in and out of depression until I turned eleven. At school a girl in my class finally took the time to say hi and ask how I was. We

became best friends. Me and Tina. She saved me. I was finally whole. People started commenting about how happy I looked. Whenever they did I felt like yelling some like: "YEAH? WELL I WOULD HAVE BEEN SOONER IF ANY OF YOU GUYS HAD BOTHERED TO TAKE TO TIME TO ASK WHAT'S WRONG!"

Then I had to switch school. In my new one I met Sally, Harriet, Cecilia, Saffron and Gina. But now Sally was gone. I was closest with her. I had friends but so did everyone. I started pinching for no reason. It started on the first day of my new school. When ever I was I pain I found that pinching lessened it.

After a while it became a habit, something I couldn't stop. I didn't tell anyone. I was _ashamed_ to tell anyone. It was like I wasn't even able to make the right choices. I'd hate it if my parents were disappointed. They'd feel like it was their fault. It _wasn't_. It was my fault. It was all my fault.

So there I was, stuck with my thoughts and my pain.

And those scissors.


	6. Trapped

Chapter 6-

Julie's POV-

What can't I ever be happy? Why can't I ever be satisfied. From what I read online "cutters" (people who self harm) are sad. It's a way of displaying emotion that can't be expressed. That isn't true. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm not depressed anymore. I've got a home, my parents aren't divorced. I'm not

bullied, I have friends. I've even got a boyfriend. I get good grades. I play tennis. I'm not overweight, I'm happy with the way I look. _So why do I still do it? _Why can't I stop? Ever since I started using scissors, I don't know what happened. It's like something in my snapped, like a lost a part of myself. I

depend on it now. Now days the only thing I look forward to is locking myself in my room and watch the blood well up in those cuts and slice open old ones. I'm not me anymore. Well, I'm still _me_, but I'm not. I'm confused. Why do I do it? What's my trigger? I can't find the trigger. I don't want to be perfect

anymore. I'm trapped, now my only goal is to make sure the cuts aren't noticed. My grades are the same, my tennis is the same, I look the same, I'm not paler or thinner. Yet no one's noticed the big change. I feel like I'm dying again. It's that horrible feeling that nobody cares. If they did wouldn't they try

to help? I feel like I'm trapped, stuck in a soundproof box. I'm screaming and banging on the walls but no one can hear me.

I hate it, but I love it.

I love the feeling as the smooth, cold metal of the blade meets the warmth of the welling blood. The blades are forever stained a dark crimson red.

Yet I hate it. I hate who I've become. I try to deny it, I'm not a masochist. I don't enjoy the pain. But I know I'm not even fooling myself. I _don't_ enjoy the pain, it's just addictive. It's like a drug. It's a secret. A _huge_ secret. People will judge if they knew, they'd send me to a shrink who would start talking

about the trigger and what I _feel_ when I do it. The truth is I don't feel anything, I feel empty. I feel dead, there's no pleasure in the pain. Yet some how I feel I _have_ to. It's not me who grabs the blade. It's not me who's cutting. It's someone else. But she walks like me, talks like me. She _is _me. Just not me.

She's the dictator, the commander. The one who I know I have to listen to if I'm going to live. She can kill me and she will if I don't listen to her.

You see? I'm trapped. I feel like crying when I think of what I was before this. I was strong. I would have been able to resist her then. What happened to me? I'm not me anymore. I'm a shell.

I have a study session with Gwen tonight. She's going to help me with my french. Gwen's _amazing _at french. I suck so bad...

I heard the doorbell ring and I immediately ran to answer it, just as I twisting the knob a voice in my head said, "Better get this over with quickly, you'll have time later." My hand tightened on the doorknob, I felt it's smooth, cool metal and what that reminded me of. I felt sick. My stomach heaved and I

don't know what stopped me from wrenching my hand from the knob and running up to my room where I could hide. Maybe it was the thought that there was someone on the other side of the wood, someone who maybe could help. I pulled the door open. It was Gwen. I felt disappointed for a millisecond. I

don't know what I was thinking. I knew it would be Gwen, yet a small part of my mind had hoped it would be someone, _anyone_ who would allow me to let down my walls. Someone who would take and axe and chop down the door to the soundproof room. They would _let me out._ My perfectly trained face

betrayed no emotion through this entire war in my mind.

I smiled happily, "Come on in Gwen." I said.

She grinned right back, "Happy to be of service Jules."

She came in and we went to my room, we gossiped more than did french. But then again we were girls, what were we supposed to do?

Halfway through Gwen took off her jumper remarking it was too stuffy. So I did the same, trying not to seem weird. It took three seconds and Gwen's horrified gasp later that made me realize what a huge mistake I had made.

"Julie!" She grabbed my wrists and forced my arms straight.

I followed her gaze, the look of horror on her face seemed to make me view my arms as if from someone else's eyes.

I finally realized the full extent of the damage I had done. My arms were littered with lines. Some the deathly white of scars, some the puckered pink of a week old cut, some scabbed up with dried blood and some still slowly oozing blood.

Gwen raise her horrified eyes to my face.

"What did you do?"


	7. Black

Chapter 7-

Julie's POV-

"What did you do?" Gwen demanded in horror.

Funny how such a simple question could spark such a strange response from me.

What _had_ I done?

Technically I knew what I did. Literally I knew what I did. I know what I did. I cut up my arms. I slashed my flesh till it was covered with the scars and bloody marks that she could see. I became addicted to the pair of scissors that were lying under my bed. I died.

I shrugged, trying the wrench my hands out of her grasp.

In a sense I was relieved she had found out. Maybe she could help me. Break down the walls. Defeat the person who did this to me. No, wait that was me. I was doing this to myself. I was killing myself.

I looked over at Gwen, with her electric green eyes and long red hair. Her flawless- skin. She saved people everyday. She fought, she won, she saved people. And me? I was trying to blame my own problems on someone else. _I_ had done all this to myself. It was me. It was all me.

Without my consent tears I hadn't even realized were in my eyes spilled down my cheeks. Without missing a beat Gwen pulled me into a hug, "There, there. It's alright, it's okay." She repeated the same words again and again. Patting me on the back, stroking my hair. I whimpered, I felt as if I didn't

deserve the comfort. She was probably the one who needed comfort. Here I was, ruining her day. Making her give sympathy to someone who didn't deserve it. At the same time I reveled in the attention. Finally, someone was noticing me. Someone had realized that my life wasn't as rosy as it seemed. But

then it happened, what I always knew would happen.

"Julie, you've got to tell someone."

There, see! The reproachfulness in her voice, the worried tone as well as a hint of terror. She was judging me. She used my full name, she was having second thoughts of ever meeting me. What if she told Ben? He probably wouldn't ever want to speak to me ever again. His parents would think I was a bad

influence, what if they told _my_ parents? Imagining the disappointment on their face, I could hear my heart break. They had always given me freedom, they had always let me make my own decisions. Realizing I had made the wrong decision, that I had taken advantage of the freedom would kill them. Make

them think they were bad parents. They didn't deserve this! It was all my fault. I was so selfish!

So at that moment I made a selfish decision. What was wrong with me that evening?

"No!" I shrieked, "You can't make me!"

And with that I pushed her away and ran to my window, I wrenched it open and before Gwen could react I had jumped out. The fall was quite high but I was fine, I had done it so many times. Plus there was grass below. If I trouble landing in _that_ situation, well what did it show about me physically. I picked

myself up and ran. I can run okay when I want to. I ran and ran. I didn't know where I was going. I was just running. I was trying to put as much distance between myself and everything that was killing me. My family, my friends, my life and my scissors. I ran and ran. I eventually stopped when I just

couldn't run anymore. I didn't know where I was. I looked around.

Ah, I know where I am.

I was by the canal. On the far side of town. I was impressed for running this far but I quickly recovered. I saw a bridge only a few hundred meters away and jogged towards it. I quickly climbed over the railing that were to stop people from falling into the fast moving water. After jumping down onto the side of

the water and skidded for a bit then regained my balance and moved swiftly towards the underside of the bridge. It would provide shelter until- until... What was I doing? I should have told Gwen that I was shaving my legs when the razor slipped or something. Why had I made such a scene about it? Why

was I so selfish? I sat down heavily on the slightly damp slippery surface of the side of the canal. I buried my head in my hands and with that I burst into tears. My hands muffling my sobs I cried, I don't know for how long but after a while I heard someone's footsteps as they walked in my direction. I looked

up fearfully. _If they're going to mugg me or rape me I deserve it_ I thought vehemently. But it was only an old lady, judging by her face and attire she had been through some tough times. She sat down beside me.

"You know," She started, I looked at her inquisitively, "I ran away from home when I was about your age. I was looking for something, but I didn't know what it was." She turned to look at me with her worn weathered face, "Do you know what it is your looking for?" I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the

back of my hand.

"No." I managed to choke out.

"Me too." She whispered, looking up at the sky, "I never found it."

She looked closely at me, "Your arms," She said suddenly, "You a cutter?"

"What?" I ask shocked, then I look at my arms, the scars and cuts seems almost luminous in the setting sun, "Yeah, yeah I guess I am." I said.

She grinned at me and I could see missing teeth.

"I was too." She said surprisingly. I looked at her arms carefully. She saw where I was looking.

"No, no. For me it was always the stomach, where nobody could see. That was my first rule. No one could see." She seemed lost in thought for a minute, "No one helped me," She continued, "So I just kept doing it. That's how I ended up in hospital with need of stitches and a blood transfusion. It was a

month before I ran away. I realized there was nothing for me at home. If nobody could see when I was in pain then I would find someone who cared." She looked at me again. "Any of this seem familiar?"

I nodded, "Every word." I mouthed.

The lady grabbed one of my wrist and stretched out my arm. She looked me straight in the eye, "Listen, those scars on your heart won't heal. But the ones on your wrist will fade away one day. You need to give yourself another chance."

I blinked away sudden tears, "Thank you." I whispered.

She smiled again at me, "I just wanted to help out another."

I hugged her.

She stood up to leave. "Take as long as you need to sort your feelings out, but go back."

I watched her disappearing back.

"I _am_ strong enough." I whispered.

"No you aren't." The voice in my head snarled.

"Get out." I screamed, clapping my hands over my ears.

"Make me!" The voice yelled back.

"_Get out of my head!_" I screeched.

Then everything went black.


	8. Ben

Chapter 8-

Ben's POV-

I was in a bit of a jam when Gwen called. As usual me and Kevin were fighting aliens. Do these guys ever give up? Anyway when I saw Gwen's name pop up on the screen of my phone it was a welcome distraction. I took shelter behind some crates while I took the call.

"Ben?" That was Gwen, she sounded frantic. Must be another alien attack wherever she was.

"Hey Gwen," I said.

"A little help her Tennyson." I heard Kevin growl.

"Excuse me." I said to Gwen.

I helped Kevin, which basically meant a lot more fighting.

"Ben!" I heard Gwen screech. If I could hear her even in the middle of a battle then what did that show?

I pressed the phone to my ear, "What?" I asked irritably. "I'm kinda busy."

"Hey, if you want Julie to die that's fine by me." Gwen responded in a frosty voice.

I suddenly felt as though a had fallen into a pit of ice. My hands gripped the phone so hard I felt the plastic start to buckle. I don't know what my face looked like but judging by the look Kevin gave me it was a mixture between horror and grief.

"What?" I managed to choke out.

"She's a cutter Ben. A cutter! And we never realized. I feel so guilty, she must have been hurting so bad..." Gwen trailed off or maybe the words just didn't register in my muddled brain.

_Julie a cutter._ _Julie_? Sweet, innocent Julie. A complete ray of was a _cutter_. I was immediately swamped with a kind of guilt that I had never felt before. It was strange. But I knew where I had to be.

"Gwen, where is she?" I asked sharply. I was pretty Gwen wouldn't have called if she had just stumbled upon the fact.

"Um, well. I suggested she tell someone. A complete mistake I know!" She said quickly, "But she screamed at me and jumped out the window. By the time I looked outside she was gone."

I had made my decision.

"Kevin, stand back and cover your ears." I ordered. Instead of asking why he did as I asked straight away without any questions. It must have been something in my voice.

I went echo echo, filled my lungs with air and screamed.

The aliens dropped to the ground.

"Come on Kevin." I said, "We're done here." I stalked off.

"Whoa! Wait, what's going on?" Kevin asked, "Where're you going? What did Gwen say on the phone?"

"Julie's in trouble." I said flatly. I felt that was all I needed to say.

Kevin had other ideas, "Why? What kind of trouble? Kidnapped? Hit by a bus? C'mon, I need to know what we're up against."

My voice was completely devoid of emotion, "She's a cutter and Gwen found out. When she suggested Julie tell someone she screamed and ran away."

I heard Kevin whistle, "Julie, who would've thought she had it in her. And Gwen," He exhaled loudly, "When someone's mentally unstable..."

I turned on him, "She's not "mentally unstable"!" I hissed, "She's scared and she needs out help!"

And with that I turned Jetray and flew away.

_I'll find her myself._ I thought fiercely.

"Julie, where are you?" I asked out loud.


	9. Fixed

Chapter 9-

Julie's POV-

Eventually I woke up, but I didn't open my eyes. I was trying to feel where I was. I know where I expected to be. I expected to be at home, in a hospital, in rehab. There were so many choices, In a story someone would've picked me up and taken me to hospital but this was so far from a fairy story it was

unbelievable. In a fairy story when I said I would stop all that time ago I would have. But I started again, and worse. It makes you wonder. In a story when I ran away someone would have followed me and saved me. But here I was. I was alone. I opened my eyes. I was still on the side of the canal.

I watched as the sun streaked the sky orange. It was morning. I had been here an entire night and no one had come to help me. They had probably already forgotten. I tear seeped out of my eye. I impatiently brushed it away. What was wrong with me? Why was I crying so much? Without meaning to my

eyes found my arms. For the first time all the cuts were closed. There was no fresh blood seeping out. The blood wasn't staining my pink jumper, forcing me to wash it in secret. I wasn't even wearing my pink jumper. I had left it in my room when I escaped. I was just wearing my black t-shirt and my white

tennis skirt. I wasn't even wearing my shoes. I had taken them off in my room before Gwen arrived and hadn't had time to put them on again when I ran away. The soles of my feet were bleeding. The familiar sight of blood which had once seemed to comforting now made me feel sick. I was delighted for a

second. Did it mean I was changing?

Apparently not because as I sat there. Sat at the side of the canal. With the rising sun above me and the rushing water below me I began to pinch my arms, not for any particular reason but just because it was a habit. A regular habit. Whenever I was bored I would pinch my arms, when I was reading

a book, watching the TV, writing an essay for school. It was all the same for me. I remembered the past few weeks. All the days blurred into one. I tried to remember what I had done last monday but all I could recall was carving the word "blood" into my arm. I looked down at my arm, there it was.

Slightly covered by a bunch of scars but still visible. I banished the thought from my mind and shook my head to clear it. I thought back, in between the blood and blades there were flashes of green. The exact intoxicating green of Ben's eyes. I shut my eyes tight, focusing on the green. The exact color of the

christmas tree. At christmas when everything was normal. I thought hard. I could see the green behind my lids. It was the only thing keeping me sane.

I slowly reopened my eyes. I didn't deserve Ben but maybe he liked me back. I don't know why he would, but maybe?

I shakily stood up. Where was Ben? Maybe Gwen told him about me. He probably thinks I'm weird now. What if he told someone else? Then the whole school would know. Everyone would judge me. Everyone would hate me. I started crying again. I couldn't help it, a image of my parents looking disappointed

overtook the green. I couldn't take it.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed.

I felt the sound vibrate through the quiet stillness of the morning. Shattering the peace. My peace was already shattered though. There was nothing left to break. I was broken.

"Julie!" I heard someone call.

I spun around. Who was that? Who yelled my name?

For a second I felt a slight twinge of hope. Was someone looking for me after all?

I saw one of Ben's aliens land in front of me. There was a flash of green light and he was Ben again.

"Julie!" He said. I could sense notes of relief, care and happiness in his voice. Did he really care?

He swept me up into a hug.

"Julie! I was so worried! Don't do that again!" He half-scolded half-laughed.

I had imagined this scenario a million times sitting in the exact spot I was right now. But now that it was happening I didn't know what I was going to do. To my chagrin I started crying. What was wrong with me? Why did I have to turn the waterworks on all the time? I berated myself silently.

Ben however didn't do anything, he just rubbed my back.

"It's okay, it's okay." He repeated again and again as his shirt got wetter and wetter.

"Don't you hate me?" I sobbed.

I could hear him stiffen. Here it came, the confession.

"No," He said to me, "Why would you think that?" His voice sounded genuine. I looked up at his

face, his expression was sincere.

I smiled widely. All my assumptions were wrong.

"Okay." I whispered as I let him take me home.

Perfection was overrated anyway.


End file.
